A Late-Night Conversation
by Candaru
Summary: SPOILERS FOR S5 OF NINJAGO! While dealing with the loss of his father, Lloyd finds empathy in an unexpected place. (Set shortly after Curse World Pt. 2. Rated T for mentions of death. No slash.)


Everything around me was pitch black. I watched as my father was pulled away from me. I tried to call out to him, but something stopped my voice from leaving my throat. I tried to run, but my body moved in slow motion, like I was wading through a thick layer of mud. I was left helpless to watch as a giant, tentacled monster dragged my dad down, down to depths of the sea so dark I couldn't see the bottom. I felt silent tears streaming down my face as the monster shrieked— whether in laughter or pain I couldn't tell— when I suddenly felt something tugging _me_ down as well—

I lurched up in my bed in a cold sweat. My heart was pounding and the tears on my face were very much real. I wiped them away and tried to calm myself down from the nightmare. _It was only a dream,_ I reminded myself, _it was only a—_

But then I stopped. It wasn't a dream this time, was it. For all of the times my father had been snatched away from my grasp, this last time had been permanent. And no magic spell or long-lost relic was going to bring him back. It wasn't just upsetting, it was _wrong._ Like if Sensei Wu stopped enjoying tea, or if Fritz Donnegan failed to save the universe. It was just… _wrong._

I rubbed my eyes with my sleeve, wiping away the tears. Crying was going to do me no good now. A walk in the cold night air might help, though. I got out of bed and grabbed a lantern from off my nightstand. I knew that walking around alone was against the rules, and for good reason— there were plenty of villains who would love to take me out the same way my father was taken— but at that moment, my heart was leading, not my head. And my heart throbbed very painfully and wanted some form of relief, so outside to the deck I went.

It wasn't an unusual occurrence, anyway— I'd been taking this same walk every night for the past week or so. Right after the same dream woke me up in a panic, and after the same feeling of reality slapped me right in the face. A walk on the top of the bounty always numbed the pain somewhat, possibly because my attention was divided between my thoughts and the bitter chill of the night air. Or possibly I felt like by leaving the bed, I was somehow leaving behind my problems. Either way, the walk always left me a bit better than I was before. For reasons only a half-asleep mind could conjure up, I decided to leave my weapons behind. Even if I _did_ happen to get attacked, I decided, I could always just use my powers. Or maybe I'd just be quiet and let my attacker do whatever they wanted to me so I could finally get some actual rest. (I knew I'd never really do that, but it made me feel better to think about.)

I suppose I wasn't paying much attention to the path in front of me (the same path I took every night), because while I was walking toward the front of the ship I almost tripped over an inanimate object. I yelped in shock and stopped myself just in time— and the object yelped back.

I rubbed my eyes and looked down. To my surprise, Zane was sitting cross-legged in the middle of my path, staying perfectly still— at least, he had been before I almost tripped over him. He turned his head up at me with an unreadable look on his face.

"Zane— uh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there," I said, trying to recollect my bearings. I'd taken the same route along the ship as usual, and I'd never run into anybody else. The others weren't technically supposed to be out of bed alone, either.

"No, it's me who should apologize. I should have heard you coming. Or seen your light." His voice was perfectly calm and reasonable, as it usually was. He didn't whisper, but he kept his volume low. He hesitated a moment, then added—

"What are you doing out of bed?"

I shifted my feet guiltily. "Uhh… Just taking a walk. You know. Night air, does the lungs good."

He stared at me quizzically, as if questioning my decision to attempt to lie to him. I turned the light of my lamp down and sat beside him, trying to escape the feeling that he was looking into my head.

"What are _you_ doing out of bed?" I asked. "You aren't technically supposed to be up here, either.

"At least _I_ brought a weapon," he said, and pulled out a dagger he'd concealed in his belt. He was fully dressed, which made me feel a bit silly by comparison. I was still in my pajamas, which provided no protection whatsoever.

"Well, I mean, you don't even _need_ a weapon, right?" I asked, trying once again to divert the attention from myself. "Heck, if an enemy tried to scratch you up— and I doubt they could— we could always just rebuild you from spare parts." I'd meant it as a light-hearted compliment, but saying it aloud it felt morbid.

Zane turned away from me, unusually defensive. I thought I'd offended him (and I wouldn't blame him), but then he said quietly, "I must admit that if I were to be rebuilt from rubble again I would feel no great loss. My dagger is not to protect my body."

I cocked my head to the side, unsure if he was being literal or if Sensei had been rubbing off on him again. "Then what—" I started. He stared at me gravely and pointed to the back of his head.

"Oh— oh my gosh— I'm so sorry, I didn't mean—" I stammered. I hesitated, then asked awkwardly, "Can she…?"

I didn't need to finish my statement. Zane shook his head. "P.I.X.A.L. cannot hear you. She is asleep right now. She cannot work indefinitely or she will overheat."

I nodded in understanding, though I still felt guilty that I'd brought up the subject. I made a mental note to not make jokes about death next time I tried to lighten the mood.

"You still have not answered my question," Zane said. "Why are you atop the bounty alone, and with no weapons to aid you?"

"I… had a bad dream, that's all," I confessed. My mind started reeling with excuses to leave and go back to my room.

"Were you dreaming of your father?" Zane asked.

This took me by surprise. As perceptive as my android friend was, I didn't think I'd given any clues that I'd been upset about that lately. After all, I didn't want to distract my team from training.

I turned to see the white ninja hesitating. He kept opening his mouth to say something, and then closing it again.

"Hey, uh… you doing okay?" I asked. I realized I'd never even answered his question about the subject of my bad dreams, but my silence was probably confirmation enough. Zane turned to look at me.

"What is it like?" he asked suddenly. I cocked my head, unsure of how to reply.

"What is what like? My dreams?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Your emotions. You have been greatly distressed lately. I would like to know what you are thinking."

Maybe it was because it was late at night, or maybe it was just that I'd been keeping all my emotions bottled up for so many weeks, but the question didn't make me feel defensive. In fact, I felt relieved that somebody had finally asked. Kai always had my back and was always there to make me feel better, but he never wanted to intrude on my private thoughts. I appreciated the effort, but at the moment, Zane's lack of reserve was really what I needed.

"I just…" I started. I steadied myself, knowing that I had a tendency to cry whenever I started to think about my dad.

"It doesn't feel _fair,"_ I sighed. "At first, when I was little, I felt like I'd practically already lost my dad… I never got to see him at boarding school. Then I joined you guys and became the green ninja, and, well, then I REALLY thought I'd lost him. I had to live with the knowledge that someday I would fight him, and honestly? I thought that battle was going to be to the death." I took a deep breath.

"But then… then when I defeated the Overlord, and destroyed all the evil in him along with it, I guess… I got him _back._ Suddenly, I felt like I had a future again. One where my dad and I got to live together, or at least live at the same time. I was the happiest I'd ever been. I never asked for anything more— I was just glad he was okay. And I know I _should_ be thankful for all the time I got to spend with him, but now I—" I felt my hands clench into fists. My vision became blurry as angry tears started welling up.

"I feel like he was snatched from me! It isn't fair— I thought I'd lost him, and I fought and did my duty and I thought I'd earned him _back—_ only to lose him again in the end! And for what? Another short moment of temporary peace? You know bad guys will attack again, they always do! And then we'll be right back where we started, forced to keep fighting and keep making sacrifices, until we have nothing left, not even each other." I stole a sideways glance at Zane. He was staring straight ahead with an unreadable expression on his face. We were both unnaturally silent for a time until he finally spoke, slowly and deliberately.

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Perhaps it would help… to understand that you are not alone in your feelings," he said. I knew he was only trying to help, but I felt my anger grow hot on my face.

"Are you trying to imply that you know how I feel? Because trust me, you _don't_ know how I feel!" I cried.

"Then _when_ will I understand?!" he snapped. I recoiled, not having expected him to lash back at me. He continued.

"Tell me. When will I understand? When I think I've lost my own father? When I think I've gotten _him_ back, only to watch him leave me forever, when I'm not ready to see him go? When I realize that some cruel force of fate never meant to let me live a happy life, but only wanted to trick me into feeling loved so I could be crushed by the loss of the feeling? When will I understand, Lloyd? When my own father passes away, and for no good reason or everlasting peace?"

" _Yes!"_ I snapped— and then suddenly felt my heart drop into my stomach as I realized my mistake.

"Look me in the eye and tell me I don't know _exactly_ how you feel. Look me in the eye and tell me that you honestly think I don't know what it's like to bottle up all those emotions for the sake of others, because you know that when the day is done, they have enough to worry about without your petty problems." His blue eyes stared at me, cold as ice.

"Zane, I— I'm so sorry, I didn't realize…" I trailed off. The anger in my face subsided as it was replaced with embarrassment— and regret. How could I have not noticed that he'd been suffering in silence all these years? How could _any_ of us not noticed? At the very least, we were supposed to be brothers to each other: shoulders to cry on. And, I realized that the crushing weight on my chest was the same weight he'd been living with for far longer than me.

"It's alright. I apologize for lashing out at you." His face quickly returned to a default state, but now that I knew how much pain he was in, it wasn't hard to see past his calm exterior. He no longer appeared cold or distant: his face showed nothing but sympathy and love, and his eyes were the exact shade of sadness and loss.

"Zane, you don't have to hide your feelings," I said, frantically trying to cover lost ground in the conversation. He was always two steps ahead of the team, for better or for worse.

"No. I… I am sorry for concerning you," he said. "I believe I have mislead you somewhat. I _have_ moved on from the death of Doctor Julien, I've just been experiencing some… emotional setbacks since the loss of your father." He paused. "Garmadon was a father to us all, you know. As much as Wu has ever been."

I breathed in the cold night air and looked up at the sky. That much _did_ make me feel better: at the very least, my father would be remembered as a hero, as he deserved. I glanced over at my lantern, which shone a dim orange light in contrast to Zane's blue. It was odd— I'd never noticed that Zane's eyes actually gave off light before. It was only another sign, I supposed, that he was just as human as the rest of us. If not more.

"We should probably be heading back," I said, picking up my lantern. "There's a good chance Wu has already heard us talking and is just waiting to get us into trouble."

"Good point. I am not even sure if Sensei Wu ever sleeps," Zane said. The corner of his mouth cracked upward a tiny bit. "I think he just meditates all night."

I felt myself smile back a bit at the accuracy. Wu was a mystery to us all. I covered my lantern with my pajama top to dim the light a bit as we headed back into the ship. But before we could walk inside, I stopped and tapped Zane on the shoulder. He turned around in response.

"Um…" I hesitated. "Thanks. For talking to me, I mean. It _does_ help to know I'm not alone."

Zane turned and gave me a soft smile. "You're welcome. And if you ever need to come outside the ship to calm down again, I swear to keep silent about it. Just promise me that you will bring a weapon with you next time."

I nodded. "I will."

And with that, we parted ways to our separate quarters. Part of me missed when we all slept in one room together, but then again, it would likely be very difficult to sneak out without waking the others in those conditions.

Once I got back to my room, I snuffed out my lantern and crawled into my bed. As I pulled the covers over myself, I wondered if my dad and Doctor Julien might be conversing to each other as I fell asleep, keeping each other company in the 17th Realm. Maybe Kai and Nya's dad was there, too. Just three dads, hanging out, talking about their ninja sons and probably making really lame puns. Somehow, the thought made me feel better— after all, nothing is unbearable when you have others to lean on. Not even death.

My thoughts quieted as I lay my head down on the pillows. For the first night in what felt like a long time, I slept in peace.


End file.
